what i feel now

it seems that no one wants me to be in their company. as they said, the person who tries to keep everyone happy is always the most lonely person. people forget and i admittedly do too. the longer it goes on like this, the more i feel that something is wrong with me.

dia

i knew it's a long shot from the start but i decided to try my luck. she's a lil older than i am. of a considerably senior position than i am. pretty much single from her ways and that's what some who are close to her said. that's what makes her special; her mystique. nobody really knows about her private life. not of the norm cos girls her age would normally be married and have kids already. i don't mind that fact. but i wonder who hurt her so bad that she clammed up that way? who the fuck in the right mind would throw away the chance to be with her? well, one man's loss, another man's gain. it was her b'day on the 27th. and i got her a gift a few days before that... enough to make her flash that picture-perfect smile. pricless. a few days later, asked her out. ignored. i can accept it but i'm just a lil hurt. someone told me to let her ponder about it. i did my part and i tried. and one day i'm sure she'll remember that i did try for her before. what kinda sad life is this?

26/05/2012

it's been a long hiatus and i gotta say that i started off again at the same place where i left. got fed up that i deleted off my twitter account. sick of it all. sedap sangat cakap orang mcm diri tu bagos sgt. we've all made it in life; subjectively. truth is, i've made it in life man and you're all just chasing shadows. if i had a few more things to add to my character or life, i'd be perfect; better than you all. that's the truth but nobody is perfect cos god is fair. i ain't boasting/petty but you asked for it. for all those car rides, loans that i have given, treats that i have lavished, favours that i have afforded... you lot seem to have forgotten that. fuck it, i'm leaving. i left.

.

sakitnya hati ini.. bila perkataan perkataan itu diucapi berulang kali.. apakah salah dia sampai ibu bapa aku tak suka akan dia.. dan sanggup memulaukan aku jika aku melangsungkan apa yang diingini.. apakah restu ibu bapa itu penting? kenapa harus memandang rendah jika niat sebenar adalah untuk kebaikkan aku..

gundah gulana rasanya... suasana yang sangat muram.. disebabkan oleh tentangan hebat dari kedua orang tua.. perception tak semesti betul... disangka buruk, baik. disangka baik, buruk. but i didn't expect it to be this hard. please... i want it all to be well. i understand your concerns... but am i like the examples that you have quoted? is she like that? how sure? double confirm? i have to suck it up and weather the storm if i am to stick to my guns.. help me God..

i'm really suffering now... experiencing anxiety attacks where my mouth would go dry and my breathing heavy... i can't stop thinking of you.. at least let me know...

i am getting kind of irritated and disappointed by your lack of say... you only appear when you want to and whenever i try to get you, you are never there. can't you see that i'm trying very hard to make all this work? i don't know if it's just me or what. but it sure don't feel good. it's a sad 27th birthday man.